Fade in to bedroom in middle of the night…
Diabetes: Helllloooooo! It’s me; Diabetes!
Me: Piss off!
Diabetes: Rude! You don’t like me very much, do you?
Me: Um…no…It is 3am and you have just woken me up. I guess you’re okay. I mean…I guess.
Diabetes: Pfft. You’re a lousy liar. I hear the words you use when talking about me. We should discuss your language. You swear like a trucker a lot of the time.
Me: My language? You want to talk about my language? It’s 3am. I’ll tell you what you can do with my fucking lang….
Diabetes: Yeah – that’s what I’m talking about…
Me: Well this has been fun. I might go back to sleep now.
Diabetes: Oh – I’m not done yet. We have so much to catch up on. Let’s talk.
Me: About what…?
Diabetes: I was wondering… Do you think there is any way that you could like me? Any way at all? What would I have to do?
Me: Is leaving me alone and finding a way for my beta cells to start working again an option? Could you do that for me?
Diabetes: Not so much.
Me: Okay. Is just being in the background and not bothering me and responding the same way to the same things each time an option?
Diabetes: No. Not really.
Me: Um…is never again waking me in the middle of the night a possibility?
Diabetes: Again, no – I get lonely and it’s fun to have you around when it is dark outside.
Me: Okay. Then to answer your question: no. I don’t believe there is any possible way that I could like you. In fact, I think that I will pretty much dislike you for the rest of my life. Which I hope to be a very long one. We have nothing in common and you have no redeeming qualities. So…
Diabetes: I’m sad to hear that, my friend…
Me: I am not your friend.
Me: That is not a word.
Diabetes: Totes is.
Me: It is not. And neither is ‘totes’ unless you are referring to a bag.
Diabetes: You know; you’re actually kind of annoying.
Me: Pot. Kettle. Black.
Diabetes: Use verbs!
Me: I had no idea that my diabetes was so into grammar and language.
Diabetes: Yeah – I love it. And punctuation.
Me: You do?
Diabetes: Yep. I do.
Me: Wow. That’s kind of interesting…
Diabetes: It is, isn’t it?
Me: I love punctuation, too.
Diabetes: I know. I can’t decide if my favourite punctuation symbol is the interrobang or acclamation point.
Me: Oh – they are two of my favourites as well! … So, what else do you want to say to me?
Diabetes: Oh – just this…You’re low and probably should do something about it.
Me: What the fuck‽
Diabetes: Renza! Language! Drink some juice. (But excellent use of an interrobang!) … Also, if you find yourself talking weird punctuation marks with your chronic autoimmune health condition – I’d suggest that you think about what could be going on with your glucose level. And then do something about it.
Renza: Do you know what this punctuation mark is:
Diabetes: No. What is it?
Renza: It’s a sarc mark. And this one? This one is a snarc mark.
Renza: You should consider pretty much everything I ever say to you to conclude with one of those – take your pick.
Diabetes: That’s not very nice.
Renza: Neither are you.
Diabetes: Drink some juice, you moron.
Renza: Don’t tell me what to do! Great; now I’m wide awake.
Diabetes: And it would appear my work here is done. See ya…
Fade out to sound of expletives, all punctuated with a certitude point.
Reprinted with kind permission by Renza Scibilia. Check out Renza's blog here.